Feelings & DID
Many years ago, I was surprised to learn from Sonia (my therapist) that I could experience two or more emotions simultaneously. I was more likely, during that period of my life, to feel numb and hysterical all at once. The hysteria was a chaotic mix of emotions that seemed impossible to identify — love, hate, despair, rage, confusion, guilt, shame, fear, terror, and more all rolled up into one ball of wax that was mine to carry. The numbness was some mix of dissociation and emotional overload. Only with Sonia’s help was I slowly able to walk through the jungle of non-feeling/feeling to pull apart each separate emotion and examine it. The numbness gradually receded, but feeling one feeling at a time was about all I could manage.
Art Credit: Whirlwind of Feelings — Palette Knife Oil Painting on Canvas by Leonid Afremov
Two or More Feelings at a Time
Imagine my surprise when I discovered I could be angry with someone I loved. I could be afraid while mustering up courage to do something out of my comfort zone. I could feel happy even when circumstances were making me unhappy. Frankly, just feeling was a gift, even when it wasn’t a happy gift. It took hard work to sort that all out but in time I reclaimed my ability to experience the full range of emotions AND be able to identify them!
Emotions Make Us Human
We who have dissociative disorders are particularly prone to emotional distortion but I’ve learned over the course of my life that people with so-called normal histories can experience emotional distortion too. Do you know anyone who has burned out from overwork or, maybe, are in brownout which is the stage before burnout? Humans can find all kinds of reasons to stuff their feelings, compartmentalize, or overreact. Emotions are a core aspect of who we are and, in balance with our thinking minds, they impact our lives significantly — the decisions we make, the people we love, the ways we rev up or relax — these are all influenced by emotions.
Triggers
Triggers, of course, are another ghost that haunts us — over-the-top emotions that aren’t proportional to the situation at hand — a reminder of something in the past that triggers the feelings in the present. Here, too, “normal” people have triggers; they’re just not as pronounced as ours, nor do they arise from chronic trauma. Like numbness and emotional chaos, triggers need to be examined for the information they hold and the distortions they perpetuate.
Not too many years ago, my husband walked on a land mine and did something innocently which I experienced as betrayal. I jumped in my car to get away, sure I had to run, certain I would spend the night somewhere far from home. Instead, I wandered through the Adirondack Mountains, alone and lost, with no cell phone coverage to navigate back to civilization. The real fear I felt in that situation pushed my triggered emotions aside so I could find my way home. Even now, as a mostly integrated individual, I get triggered. The difference is now I recognize them and know my way back.
Feelings as Parts
I don’t know about you, but many of my feelings were localized in parts. I had no clue about anger and Little Lyn was, literally, afraid to feel it. That is until Mike came on the scene; anger was his specialty. The same was true about sexuality when Sylvia made herself known. To be fair, Sylvia also carried other life-giving qualities that lifted me when I verged on depression. The Devil (who’s renamed himself Angel) carried the shame. Paula claimed to be emotionless as she used her cognitive brain to make her way through the professional world. Laura loved children, including my own. The very little ones carried the fear but it seemed easy enough to permeate the rest of my system. Any one or all of us could feel terror if the circumstances were right.
Amazing Brain
Many people think emotions live in the heart but they really live in the brain. What a marvelous organ with special places for cognitive stimulation, for the whole range of feelings, for gifts and talents such as music, math, art, intuition, and more, for hideaways where frightened children can take cover and other parts can create elaborate internal environments, for the ability to introspect and learn to peel our inner chaos apart, for the capacity to heal triggers and achieve some sense of emotional stability, for the attainment of wisdom — yes, I said wisdom — to know ourselves better than most people will never know themselves.
Acceptance
Sonia’s acceptance of all of my feelings as I learned to name them, tame them, and incorporate them into a unified me was instrumental. That’s why I encourage peers to find a good therapist who will walk the walk. She would say my healing is a result of my hard work, and that’s true too. Now that I (mostly) understand my emotions and why I am feeling what I’m feeling, I look to them as friends who cue me in on what’s important to me. I will forever be grateful for the incredible capacity to feel whether localized in parts or generalized in my whole being!
Self-Care
Take some time to think about the form your feelings take. You may want to write this down, or you may simple want to think about it. Are your emotions chaotically intertwined or fairly discrete and identifiable? Have you discovered the truth and the distortions in your triggers? Do you find your feelings sabotage you or do you see them as friends? What feelings are connected to alters? What feelings seem to be most prominent in your awareness now?
Exploring these questions may help you embrace all of yourself and lead you further down your own particular pathway to healing.
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Everything everybody feels is okay, valid, and important.
~Sonia (my therapist)