Let It End Here: Prevention
Note: I was honored to be asked to preach and give four lectures at Bay View Michigan Association, a Chautauqua community, from July 24th through the 28th, 2022. The sermon title is “Remembering the Tough Stuff” and the lectures are entitled: Dissociative What?, Pathways to Recovery, Is Forgiveness the Goal?, and Let It End Here (prevention). I have posted one of these offerings each month from August through December. Today’s post is the fourth and final lecture delivered on July 28, 2022. Special thanks to Dissociative Writer Nancy who gave permission for me to use their writing.
This morning we will begin and end with God’s promise to each of us, regardless of our brokenness, regardless of who we are or what our background may be. In Luke 12:6-7, we are reminded how much God loves each and every one of us.
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten in God’s sight. But even the hairs of your head are all counted. Do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows.
It’s a stretch for most people to believe what the statistics tell us. One in four girls and one in six boys are sexually molested by the age of 18. Sexual abuse of minors is epidemic.
How can this be? Is it true that we are a people who can do such things to our innocents?
For many of us, including myself, it’s easier to turn our heads in disbelief than confront the truth that’s staring us in the face. The idea of sexual abuse cuts at our very core and we’re prone to deny its existence. Better to turn a blind eye than feel such extreme discomfort. Carolyn Spring, director of Reversing Adversity, author, and trauma trainer, says, “Sexual abuse thrives in secrecy and silence, which gives it the appearance of rarity. But it is anything other than rare.”
This week, I have attempted to break the silence and reveal the secrets of my experience. Mostly, I’ve spent my life healing from chronic childhood trauma, but I have spent precious little time thinking about prevention. That’s as it should be because healing, literally, consumes a lifetime of energy. But I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t close out the week with a call to action, and I would be doing myself a disservice if I don’t begin to shift my focus to protect my grandchildren, your grandchildren, and our great-great grandchildren. Not all children who are sexually abused have DID, but they all experience profound effects that last a lifetime. So, today, I’d like to expand our topic to include anyone who has experienced child sexual abuse, regardless of diagnosis. I’d like you to leave knowing my story is not a one-off, but also knowing there is something you and I can do to change it. Beginning today, you and I can start to build a firewall that has the capacity to protect our children.
A Firewall of Facts
The facts are hard to believe.
Here are some excerpts from a poem by Nancy who was forced to participate in child pornography (the STOP picture is not a part of the poem but rather draws attention to it).
It was real.
The abominations administered.
To a tiny girl.
That was me.
Not me.
Me.
Not me.
Me.
My brain slides.
Click...click...click.
The sound of the 8mm stills, a heartbeat.
A tick in time.
A flat-line.
In a child long dead.
I am a child.
I am the dead.
The undead.
The dead.
The undead.
I am a child clawing up to the light.
I am evil crawling up from the night.
I am that thing from which you run.
When the nightmares hold you tight.
I am a warning.
Know that monsters lurk in the most obvious of places.
Spurred on by silenced faces.
Indelicacies not aired.
In the most foul of laundry spaces.
Perpetuating the generational races.
I am the final link in the broken chain.
The injustice ends here.
To understand the kind of firewall we need, it helps to understand the facts. I’ve already mentioned that one in four girls and one in six boys are sexually molested by the age of 18. Although most molesters are male, women also abuse children. Most perpetrators know the child and the child’s family. In fact, 85-90% of children who are sexually abused know and trust the person who is abusing them. This makes the “stranger-danger” admonition close to useless since most abusers are not strangers to their victims. In many cases, in fact, molesters are in the child’s family.
Sexual offenders come from all socio economic, racial, and ethnic groups, and from all religions and professions. Often, when we learn about an accusation, our first thought is, “Oh, no, he couldn’t have done that. He’s such a nice man.” Sexual offenders don’t come with horns and sneers; it’s possible to be a nice person and be a sexual offender too. Most are heterosexual, including those who abuse children of the same sex. Pedophiles – people who are sexually attracted to children – only make up a portion of those who abuse.
Finally, sexual abuse can involve touching or non-touching. Not only is it abuse to engage in sexual acts with a child, but it’s also abuse to speak to a child in a sexual manner, to expose oneself or have the child expose themself, to photograph a child sexually, or show a child pornographic pictures.
These are just some of the facts. They form the foundation of our firewall. It’s critical that we know what we’re dealing with as we build a wall to protect our children.
A Firewall of Responsibility
The second step in building a firewall is defining responsibility. Who is responsible?
The laws defining child sexual abuse are governed from state to state, but in all states, it is a crime for an adult to engage in sexual activity with a child under the age of between 16 and 18. For instance, here in Michigan, the age of consent is 16. Where I live in NM, it’s 17. In the state of California, it’s 18. Even as young people approach the age of consent, adults hold power over children which prevents the possibility of authentic consent until the designated age. Here are some good questions to ruminate on.
If a child comes to us and tells us someone is hurting them, will we believe them? Or will we suspect the child’s imagination is running wild?
If an adolescent confesses to a sexual relationship with an adult, will we support them? Or will we assume the child was an equal partner in this affair, perhaps even wearing suggestive clothing or flirting with the adult?
Children do make things up and teenagers are becoming sexual creatures. However, abuse is never the fault of the child, whether four years old or fourteen years old. It is the responsibility of the adult not to commit a crime. It is the responsibility of the adult to keep children safe. The foundation of our firewall is grounded in this fact that abuse is never the fault of the child and it’s the adults’ responsibility – our responsibility – to keep children safe.
Therefore, we are morally (and sometimes legally) obligated to overcome whatever discomfort we may feel when a child says someone is hurting them or is in a sexual relationship with an adult. It’s easy to say, “He’s such a nice man. I can’t imagine he would do such a thing,” or, “She was asking for it. Have you seen the way she dresses?” But these are both victim blaming responses that have no place in our firewall. Instead, we walk through our discomfort and do what’s right for the child.
In truth, as many as 60% of children won’t tell. There are lots of reasons for this. Sometimes they’re just confused about what is happening. They don’t understand it. They’re afraid it’s their fault. It doesn’t help that molesters often talk to children about “their little secret,” or “this is between you and me,” or even threaten harm to the child or the child’s family if the secret is revealed. You can see how confusing this must be to a child who has often been taught to obey their elders. From their perspective, there’s just no way out.
So, it’s more likely we may walk in on something, or overhear something, or notice a behavior that’s a red flag. It is possible the child might tell us indirectly through a picture they’ve drawn or a story they’ve written. Occasionally someone else may tell us what they know or suspect. What do we do when one of these scenarios happens? What’s our responsibility in this firewall? Can we let the denial monsters die a long overdue death and allow the appropriate red sirens to go off in our heads?
If a child directly or indirectly tells us, we stop everything we are doing and focus entirely on the child. Our initial response matters because it tells the child we are trustworthy. If we do it right, it’s the beginning of healing because it conveys the sense of: "I matter." "People care about me." "This can stop." "This isn't right." After making sure the child feels safe and, literally, is safe, then we report what we’ve learned to the proper authorities (1.800.4.A.CHILD or 1.800.422.4453) so they can investigate what’s been alleged. It’s not our job to judge anyone but to listen compassionately, keep the child safe, and report to authorities.
If the child hasn’t told us directly or indirectly, but we have a serious sense that something’s not right, we can still report to the authorities and let the experts investigate the situation. If we are mandated reporters, such as teachers, doctors, social workers, or police officers, we don’t have a choice – we are required by law to report. Check your own state guidelines for specific instruction in these cases. Nonetheless, reporting is our moral responsibility.
To recap the firewall of Responsibility:
Abuse is never the child’s fault.
It’s the adult’s responsibility to not commit a crime.
It’s the adult’s responsibility to keep the child safe.
It’s the adult’s responsibility to report, not investigate or judge.
A Firewall of Awareness
If children often don’t tell us they’re being abused, how can we build a firewall to protect them? The third step in building the firewall is awareness. We become alert and aware of our children and of the people who pay attention to them. Of course, we want to welcome people into our lives and into our children’s lives, but we are always watchful when someone spends a lot of time with them. It’s so easy, when we’re busy parents, to rely on others who take an interest. It’s prudent, though, to invest what it takes to know that person is trustworthy.
For instance, take a careful look at those who insist on holding/hugging/tickling/wrestling with children, who spend a lot of time alone with children, who regularly offer to babysit for free, who give special attention with money, gifts or trips, who allow unhealthy behaviors among older children (like drinking alcohol, smoking, looking at pornography), who are boundary-pushers, and who are popular and charismatic with children. This does not mean that every adult who is especially good with kids is an abuser – far from it – but it’s worth looking at people who fit that pattern.
On the other side of the coin, we need to be keyed into our children and aware of changes in their behaviors. Sometimes, these changes are messages or even cries for help. Take note, especially, of nightmares and sleeping problems, eating irregularities or disorders, regressive behavior (acting much younger), if your child does not want to be around a certain person, spacing out at odd times (dissociation), withdrawing or becoming aggressive, body aches, injuries to private parts, compulsive masturbation, frequent sore throats, constipation, bladder infections, emotional instability, and, of course, early and unexplained pregnancy. These are all symptoms that need to be explored with the child and with the child’s doctor. There could be any number of reasons for them, but one of those reasons is child sexual abuse.
It's worth asking, at this point in the conversation, why adults would sexually abuse children. Experts say there are many reasons and they’re not all about sex. Not all molesters are pedophiles. Offenders may be looking for emotional closeness, for power and control, or they may be expressing some kind of anger or grievance. Many abusers believe there will be no consequences and, frankly, in most cases, they’re right. Many more believe that children actually are sexual, flirty, teasers, and capable of giving consent. Some abusers are responding to the fact that their own abuse was ignored when they were children. So there are many reasons why people choose to abuse children. The bottom line is they do it because they can, because they know they can get away with it, and because the firewall we are building is not yet everywhere.
To recap the firewall of Awareness:
It’s our job to ensure that the people our children interact with are trustworthy.
It’s our job to watch our children’s behaviors for any changes that may indicate abuse.
People who abuse children do so for many reasons. The bottom line is they abuse because they can, because we turn a blind eye, because we let them.
A Firewall of Boundaries
Once we know the facts, understand who is responsible, and become aware of what’s going on with our children and the people who pay attention to our children, then we can begin to empower our children to “be the boss” of their own bodies. By knowing the adults around them “have their backs”, we can teach children that their bodies are their own and that it’s good to set boundaries.
For example, Uncle Homer loves to tickle but never asks permission. Boundary time. Johnny sets the boundary, tells Uncle Homer he can’t tickle him anymore, and the caring adult enforces this.
Sometimes, young children are afraid to set boundaries so the caring adult can help. “Homer, Johnny doesn’t like tickling, so you are not to tickle him. It may be fun for you, but it isn’t fun for him. He’s setting a boundary. Please respect it.” With this kind of caring adult in Johnny’s life, eventually he will be empowered to set that boundary himself.
Sometimes Uncle Homer doesn’t take boundaries lightly and continues to tickle Johnny anyway, so the caring adult steps in. “Homer, until you respect Johnny’s boundaries about tickling, we aren’t coming over to visit and we won’t have you over to visit us. We love you, but Johnny has the right to set boundaries about his body.”
Do you see how the caring adult consistently empowers Johnny to have greater authority over what other people can do to him? They help Johnny set boundaries and enforce those boundaries if the offending adult isn’t listening. Over time with this kind of clearheaded intervention, Johnny learns what “consent” means, that he must give consent before someone can touch him, and that others must give him consent before he touches others.
This kind of guidance and role modeling is critical for children to take ownership of their bodies, both as young children and at all ages. They need to know we have their backs, they need to know we’ll believe them, they need to know they will NOT get into trouble if they tell us someone has tricked them, or they’ve broken a ‘safety’ rule. Abuse is never the fault of the child who is still learning appropriate ways to act and respond. We teach them to always tell a trusted adult if someone makes them feel uncomfortable and if that adult won’t listen and help, tell another adult. It is always the responsibility of the adult to keep the child safe.
We do this at home but, for a strong firewall, we do this in community, too. There are excellent values-based healthy boundary curriculums for children grades K -12 that include staying safe from sexual abuse that our schools, our Sunday schools, our youth organizations, can integrate into their activities. We become activists strongly encouraging our community to use these curriculums.
To recap the firewall of Boundaries:
We teach our children to set boundaries.
We empower our children to become the boss of their own bodies.
We assure our children that we have their backs.
Our children and youth organizations teach values-based healthy boundary curriculums that include staying safe from sexual abuse.
A Firewall of Consequences
Experts estimate that 86% of molestations are never reported – that means only 14% ever make it into the system – and of those reported, only one in 100 are convicted. Based on interviews with convicted offenders in prison, each offender averages two molestations per conviction but admits to 18 other molestations never reported. If you add the numbers, this means each perp has an average of 20 incidents under their belt.
Don’t forget the 99 perps not convicted; if each of them have 20 incidents, there’s 2000 incidents of child sexual abuse for every one perp arrested and convicted. It’s mindboggling. An average of 2000 more children being abused for every conviction of child abuse. And don’t forget the other 86% never reported which might as much as double the carnage.
Convicted perpetrators will undergo cognitive behavior therapy that teaches them right from wrong. They will be held accountable for their past behaviors and current thoughts and actions.
Even so, reoffending occurs in 15-20% of perpetrators who have received treatment and in 60% who have not received treatment. Using another measure, recidivism (repeating the crime after legal consequences) occurs in 7% of the population after one year, but in 50% after 25 years. Don’t forget the other 99% who were not reported or convicted. Expecting a punitive system, alone, to solve the problem is naïve and unhelpful. Building firewall communities before the abuse takes place is critical to keeping our children safe.
To recap the firewall of Consequences:
Most offenders are never reported and never undergo treatment.
Convicted offenders will undergo treatment which is only mildly successful.
Preventing abuse is more effective than curbing abusers after they’ve offended.
Build a Community Firewall
I’d like to explain to you why it’s so important to build a community firewall. Of course, we begin with ourselves, but without the support of community, we won’t get very far. By community, I mean whatever groups we and our families are a part of. They may include our churches, our schools, our PTA’s, our youth groups, our neighborhoods, our political systems, and our families themselves. Our firewall begins with us but, for it to be effective, it must grow to include everyone in the multiple settings our children are a part of.
Child abuse knows no social, economic, religious, or ethnic boundaries. It is everywhere, and it’s epidemic. People like you and me may become co-perpetrators if we suspect the abuse but do nothing to stop it. It’s thought that some communities allow abuse because of personal discomfort, denial, and victim blaming that eases the discomfort and allows us to go forward as always. This, of course, makes the landscape ripe for the abuser because they know they can get away with it. When other potential abusers see this, they know they can get away with it too. When children see this, they know they have no recourse because the grownups have all the power.
If a community can enable such evil acts, then it takes a different kind of community to build the firewall, a community that acknowledges that abuse happens and puts in place our eyes, ears, awareness and commitment to make sure it never happens on our watch. What I’ve described throughout this talk is, essentially, a community firewall.
Some organizations such as nationwide RAINN, Safe Communities in Lancaster PA, and A Better Way in Zanesville Ohio are just three of many across the country that teach communities how to build firewalls. Each has their own approach to educating communities in facts, responsibility, awareness, and boundaries.
Safe Communities, for instance, began by working with churches to reshape church culture around keeping children safe beyond background checks which, as we’ve seen, do not address the 86% of abusers who are never reported. RAINN is the largest repository of facts and information about sexual violence and offers help for survivors and public policy advocacy. Find an organization that will help your community.
Firewall communities educate each other about the things I’ve shared in this presentation. They agree on standards and norms and hold each other accountable so the standards and norms become a part of the ethos of the community. They aren’t afraid to talk about child sexual abuse. They welcome adults into the fold who were sexually abused as children and provide them with a safe space for healing. They are open and honest with each other. They consider compassionate yet effective ways to reintegrate offenders while continuing to keep their children safe. In spite of setbacks, they keep the safety of their children the priority in all they say and do.
To recap the firewall of Community:
Communities that enable abuse turn a blind eye, deny, and victim blame.
Communities that enable abuse allow abuse to grow and flourish.
It takes a firewall community to reverse these trends and build standards and norms that protect children.
We begin our firewall as individuals but enlarge it by inviting all the communities we’re a part of to join our firewall.
Firewall communities build an ethos of child protection.
Firewall communities are the most effective way to end childhood sexual abuse.
Wrap Up
Our calling, as people of faith, is to open our eyes, learn the facts, spread the word, and become advocates in our own small spheres. Our calling is to begin to build the firewall. It is possible to have a world without abuse and, with God’s help, we can make it so.
I’ve been honored to speak with you this entire week. – thank you, Dan! I hope you’ve learned about dissociative identity disorder, the paths to healing, the role of forgiveness and its limitations, and today, how we prevent child abuse from happening in the future. I’m sure you’ll all agree that prevention is the preferred approach to ending child sexual abuse.
I’d like to share with you a poem I wrote the month I graduated from seminary, toward the end of my healing journey. It’s called Pebble Over Time:
There are pebbles at the beach that are as smooth as ice.
They tell me that the polished, glassy surface of these rocks was pounded out of their own ragged edges by the tumultuous weight of the raging ocean over eons of time.
Rolling along the depths of the ocean floor,
caught up in the spiraling currents,
tossed about in an underwater web of chaos,
now and then riding the crest of the wave,
then smashing against the saturated earth
not once, not twice
but so many times,
so many cycles of abuse,
of pain and horror,
reliving,
healing,
breathing once again
to produce this rosy gem, this pebble over time, that cups within my hand.
My hand protects the tiny stone,
appreciates the wisdom trapped within this body,
delights in the touch, the shape, the feel of the nugget
but can never take away the history
or the polish
which is only the result
of the pounding
and the pain
and the pounding
and the pain
and the pounding
and the pain.
And so to you, God, I offer this pebble over time
whose glow upon the beach
reveals not the journey from whence it came.
God counts every hair on our head – that’s how precious we are in God’s sight. Every child is precious in his sight. We are called to build a firewall. Let it end here.
Holiday Dissociative Writers Schedule
(All times are 1:00 pm Eastern unless otherwise noted)
December 12: Dissociative Writers Meeting (6:30 pm Eastern) This week!
December 13: Writing-in-Place
December 20: Social Hangout
December 27: No Workshops
January 3: Traditional
Holiday Gift
Give a friend, therapist, or significant other the gift of my memoir Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory. Available through Amazon or other online bookstores. If you can’t put your story into words (yet), maybe my story can help you find them.
If you’ve already read Crazy, give a gift to me 😇 by going to Amazon and rating and/or reviewing it. Thank you!
January Publication Date for Second Annual DW Anthology
Be on the lookout for Creative Healing: Volume 2 featuring writing and art from our DW writers. The anthology’s expected release date is January 15th, 2023 and will be available digitally for free on the DW website, as well as Lyn’s website. Thank you to Gabby, Debby, and Salli who are producing this volume and to all Dissociative Writers who contributed!
🕊
So often survivors have had their experiences denied, trivialized, or distorted. Writing is an important avenue for healing because it gives you the opportunity to define your own reality. You can say: This did happen to me. It was that bad. It was the fault & responsibility of the adult. I was—and am—innocent.”
~ The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis