Understanding Traumatic Memory, part 3
When I was in the midst of the most difficult ten years of my recovery, I was constantly bombarded with body memory, pain, inner chaos, shame, and feelings of terror. People told me the “memories” would come and, by that, they meant the narrative memories that would give meaning to my pain. For the most part, those memories never came. Fragments, yes. Emotions, yes. Explicit memories, no. During that period of time, my body memories and fragments never even revealed who my perpetrators were although there were enough clues that I could guess.
In spite of the fact that I had no explicit memories, I did the work of healing my triggers, my relationship issues, and my shame. I embraced my alters, cared for them, and learned from them. Gradually my pain diminished. My insiders integrated and I was able to lead a fulfilling, unified life.
Surprise
Here comes the surprise. After publishing my memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory, some of my alters resurfaced with new information to offer. In the past year, I have been exploring some new memories that are explicit, that name my perpetrators, and that fill in the blanks of my narrative. This has been liberating for me. Yet I’ve found it curious that I have no emotion attached to these memories.
Years ago, I was consumed by emotion and pain, but had no explicit memory. Now, I have explicit memory, but no emotion or pain. I asked my therapist what this might mean. Why is there more than twenty years between my emotional response and my narrative?
Safety
“You’re safe now, Lyn,” she suggested. “There may eventually be more emotion attached to these new memories but, for now, be grateful that your body and mind are working in concert with each other.”
I’m safe now, and my story continues to unfold.
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We are all born as storytellers.
Our inner voice tells the first story we ever hear.
~ Kamand Kojouri
Lyn