I Am Not Crazy
I am not crazy.
For more than a decade, I felt crazy. My thoughts didn’t match my feelings. I felt unreal, as if I wasn’t the person I thought I was. My mind was jumbled with ten strains of conversation going on at a time. My body was wracked with pain for no apparent reason. My family was falling apart. I wanted to die.
It took deep therapeutic work, a perseverance to heal, attention to the symptoms as well as the root causes, and plain old ordinary time for the feelings of craziness to dissipate. I still get triggered on occasion, but I don’t feel crazy anymore.
You Are Not Crazy
Now I tell others with dissociative identity disorder that they are not crazy even if they feel like they are. Instead, we have all used a brilliant coping strategy to survive the crazy things that were done to us. Sometimes, in fact, we were the most sane people in our childhood environments. We are not crazy!
My Memoir
When I wrote my memoir, I titled it Crazy: In Search of a Narrative. I used the word crazy because it’s the only word I could come up with that adequately described how I felt. My movement from the feelings of craziness to the feelings of being sane is a big theme in my story.
I Need Your Help
I’ve had push back on the title regarding the word "crazy" for sensitivity and mental health reasons. I’ve also had affirmation from others with DID who’ve said, “Your title conveys exactly how I feel.” Since my memoir has not yet been published, I have time to change the title. I’m reticent to drop the word crazy altogether but I’ve been thinking of several new titles: I Am Not Crazy: A Memoir. In this iteration, I am asserting a truth, not perpetuating a falsehood. Or, Searching for My Story: A Memoir. Here, I would continue to use the word crazy in the text but not in the title. Or, stay with Crazy: In Search of a Narrative, my original title that combines both how I felt and what my task was over the years of chaos.
I’d love your feedback. What do you think? Does the word crazy offend you? Which title do you like best? Do you have other ideas for titles? Send me your thoughts by clicking on this link or by commenting below. I want to know what you think. Thank you!
Self-Care
When you are feeling especially “crazy,” remember that you are NOT crazy. Then, use whatever grounding techniques work best for you: walking, deep breathing, writing affirmations or form, yoga, art, and more. You have your own list to draw on and maybe you can try something new.
One grounding technique that was important for me was to imagine myself as sane. How would I feel? What would I do? What would my life look like? Often, I realized I was acting sane even though I was feeling crazy. This exercise served to ground me and also became a sort of future planning tool. This is what I’m aiming for. This is who I want to be. Today, I’m there. Tomorrow, you can be too!
Invitation
Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked. You can also sign up for notification of the release of my memoir, Crazy: In Search of a Narrative (title still a work in progress!) and learn more about writing opportunities.
What questions do you have about DID? Any topics you’d like me to cover? I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
I have called you by name, you are mine. You are precious in my sight, and I love you.
Isaiah 43: 1b & 4a, adapted
Lyn