“Am I Making It Up?”
. . . . The Ultimate DID Question
It’s been almost 30 years since I was diagnosed with DID, and sometimes I still think I’m a fake. It’s not real. I’m making it up. It’s all make-believe.
As I healed and integrated, the stories took a back seat in my mind and I was able to live a full and happy life. See? It’s not real. I made it up. It’s all make-believe.
Recently, I joined several Facebook DID groups and every day someone posts, “I think I’m a fake.” “I must be making it up.” “It can’t be real.” “Do you think it’s make-believe?”
Damien Hirst, H9 - 5 Honesty, 2021. Photo: Prudence Cuming Associates. © Damien Hirst. All rights reserved, DACS 2021
Why Would Your Parts Lie?
Fortunately, my therapist believed me. “Why would your parts lie, Lyn? What would you have to gain by pretending to dissociate and live in daily pain?”
The Hidden Disorder
DID is known as the “hidden disorder” because the mind creates the strategy to hide the truth from ourselves and the people around us. Knowing what happened when it happened would have made our youthful lives intolerable. Awareness that we were being abused by the people we were relying on for our existential needs would have been unbearable. Hiding the truth was the way we survived. In the moment, it was functional. The only thing we faked was the fantasy we were okay.
It is common for people with dissociative disorders to doubt themselves. In fact, it is usual. When someone with DID tells me they don’t believe themselves or their diagnosis, I usually say, “That’s one more marker that suggests that you do, indeed, have DID. If you were really faking, you wouldn’t be telling me you’re faking.”
Believe yourself. You are not making it up. Your child-parts are sharing what happened in the best way they know how. Telling your story and believing it is how you will heal.
Self-Care
When I was in a psychiatric women’s unit 30 years ago, the social worker taught us how to write affirmations to rewrite old tapes holding us back. Make four columns in your journal, one for the lie and one each for first person, second person, and third person. When you start to think you are a fake, write in each column:
I am fake. No, I am real. No, you are real. No, she is real.
Allow yourself to improvise on the answers, using first, second, and third person voices, such as:
I am fake. I am getting more real every day. You are getting more real every day. She is getting more real every day.
I am fake. I am the most honest person I know. You are the most honest person I know. She is the most honest person I know.
You can use this method of affirmation for other negative self-talk as well. I am smart and capable. You are smart and capable. She is smart and capable. We all agree. That about covers it!
Invitation
Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked. You can also sign up for notification of the release of my memoir, Crazy? A Memoir (formerly titled Crazy: In Search of a Narrative) and learn more about writing opportunities. Email me or share your thoughts in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you!
“The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls;
on finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.”
Matthew 13: 45-46
Lyn