Deny, Ignore, Accept
It’s All Part of the Process
Guest blog by Gabriell Sacks
Foreword: I am delighted to welcome Gabriell Sacks back as a guest blogger and creator of psycho-structures. Gabby participates regularly in our afternoon Dissociative Writers Workshop and serves as one of the editors of the upcoming Dissociative Writers Anthology. She has a PhD in Special Education and has worked as a Behavior Specialist. She also plays one mean guitar 😊. ~ Lyn
By Gabriell Sacks. This psycho-structure is called “Gab’s Resistance Army,” and the zebra figure represents the extended zebra metaphor in this blog.
Learning to accept as true all the traumatic memories one’s parts hold may be one of the most challenging aspects of recovering from DID. The memories seem to make sense, seem to fit with the big picture, and yet…we desperately want them to not be true. So despite all the evidence, we often deny what is clearly right in front of us. It’s like seeing zebras in a zoo and trying to convince ourself that they are really just horses. There are other options, though, beyond our instinctive denial.
Let’s say that one day you decide to take a stroll through a zoo and you come across the zebra enclosure. “Ah, zebras,” you think to yourself. At this point there are several courses of action.
Deny
You could take a step back from the enclosure and think, “Hm, am I sure these are really zebras? Maybe they’re just plain old horses, instead.” You stare at the tell-tale black and white stripes but find that if you scrunch your eyes up just right, you can make those stripes disappear, leaving a grayish color in their stead. You observe the shape of the animal. Similar to a horse, though perhaps a bit smaller. Still, maybe that’s just a natural variation in horse shapes. The enclosure the animals roam around in is clearly labeled — “Zebras” — but it’s possible, isn’t it, that someone made a mistake and actually intended to write — “Horses”? This option requires all sorts of mental gymnastics. Instead of accepting what is clearly right in front of you, you now must exert an inordinate amount of energy questioning the obvious. With an ever-growing string of “Maybe this” and “Maybe that,” your own reality starts to become murky. Soon, you’re not at all sure you can even trust your own perceptions. And clearly trust is an issue because, really, why wouldn’t you trust the labels on the enclosures? At some point you need to just trust that the zoo staff know what they’re doing. Denial of this magnitude takes enormous effort and for what? Sometimes a zebra really is a zebra, isn’t it?
Ignore
You could decide to ignore the zebras, maybe take a quick glance and then just continue on your way. You’ve seen hundreds of zebras in your lifetime. These particular zebras in front of you are bound to be the same as all the rest. Nothing special. Not all that interesting. So you walk right by the zebra enclosure. This option may seem to be the most expedient, particularly if your stomach is growling and all you want to do is get some lunch. “Nothing to see here,” you tell yourself. “Not all that curious and, actually, I have some place I’d rather be.”
Accept: The Path to Healing
A third option exists: you could sidle up to the signage, information you’ve probably passed by before. But this time something catches your eye and you decide to read more about these zebras. Where do they come from? What’s their habitat like? What kinds of things do they eat? How long do they live? You vaguely remember learning some of this in the past, but with each subsequent reading you discover some new information. This option has the potential to introduce you to new and interesting facts. And isn’t part of the point of going to a zoo to learn more about the myriad animals you find there? This requires curiosity, though, and a willingness to accept some discomfort and even pain (your stomach is clearly signaling that you’re hungry). You may also be exhausted, having walked the entire zoo, and your hunger may make you feel lightheaded and disoriented. Accepting that the zebra in front of you is truly a zebra will entail slowing down a bit, overcoming your exhaustion, managing your pain and disorientation, and delaying the endpoint of your journey. In the end, though, the relief you experience will be immense.
The Zebra Metaphor & DID
Living with DID, as different parts of your self share “memories” of events and traumas you you’d like to ignore, is a bit like coming across zebras at a zoo. When “memories” (zebras) are first being uncovered, you basically have three options. Many of us dive straight into option #1 - denying. We try to convince ourselves that the memories are not real. We decide that, despite what we already know about ourselves and our past, despite all the evidence we already have, despite how much sense the new “memories” might make, we deny, deny, deny what is clearly right in front of us. Even when our therapist tries to help us acknowledge our truth, we have difficulty trusting them, despite their expertise and knowledge of us. The hoops all this denial requires us to jump through is exhausting and disheartening and often leaves us despairing, desperate, even suicidal.
Sometimes option #2 seems to make sense and we try to ignore the traumatic memories. We pretend there’s nothing to see here, no new information to learn, and employ old strategies that might soothe the discomfort and allow us to continue on with our life, if only for the moment. This option never works for long, though, as our various parts clamor to be heard, understood, and accepted.
The road to health often requires us to choose option #3, though it may at first feel like the most difficult and painful of all the options. Option #3 requires us to slow down and be curious about the memories our parts are sharing with us. We will have to accept a certain level of discomfort if we make this choice, but the payoff in new information about ourselves and our past will be enormous and will enable us to move forward, with healthier strategies to employ, when we are ready.
Finally
Over the course of my decades in therapy I have vacillated among all three options. Even now, finally working with a therapist I trust, I still have difficulty acknowledging the conspicuous “zebras,” preferring to continue questioning if maybe, just maybe, they’re “horses,” instead. But it is exhausting, trying to keep up the charade, constantly denying that the “zebras” really are “zebras.” I’m learning, ever so slowly, to be curious about the “zebras” and see them for what they are, strange creatures from my past that no longer have the power to hurt me.
Self-Care
Healing from DID is a very personal journey. The path will look different for each of us. One thing that is true for everyone, though, is that the journey will be arduous and painful. Accepting what happened to us, believing the memories our parts hold, is perhaps one of the most difficult steps in this process. Yet, once we are able to stop denying or ignoring our past, once we can see the zebras for what they really are - zebras - true healing can take place.
Be patient and gentle with yourself. This is not a process that can be rushed. Listen to and trust your parts. Talk with your therapist or other survivors. Most of all, know that you are not alone in this journey.
Reviews
Lyn’s memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory, is for sale now online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and other outlets where good books are sold. When you’ve read it, please consider posting a review on these sites. Reviews make a big difference in whether new readers find the book. If Crazy is to help the general public learn more about DID, we need YOUR help. Thank you, in advance, for writing a review!
What Do You Think?
Share your thoughts about Gabby’s blog post in the comments below.
🕊
“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
~ J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Lyn