Inner Drive & DID
Inner Drive 1, Angular Geometry, Daily GIF Art
Drive is the inner desire or compulsion to move forward in some area of our lives. In spite of the fact I felt worthless, suicidal, and often curled up in a fetal position, somewhere deep inside was a drive. It seemed to want me to live a happy, normal life similar to what I thought I had before; it seemed to want me to heal.
My Drive Was An Alter
I didn’t recognize my drive at first and I had no idea how to access it and channel it. Often, it kept me alive when I wanted to die. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed and in therapy that the drive introduced himself to me. His name was Mike. He was a teenager, and he was angry. He wanted me to get better.
My Alter Was Angry
I felt that drive, aka Mike, in every corner of my being; not all the time, mind you, but enough of the time to make me sit up and take notice. Mike was angry about a lot of things, especially about the way my life had taken a turn for the worse. When he was fronting, I felt his steely presence hold my body erect as he plowed through issues the rest of me would rather have ignored. He didn’t want me to be a victim or even a survivor; he wanted me to be a thriver. Sometimes, he took the role of cowboy, herding my parts as if they were cattle, into the direction he thought they should go.
Anger’s Vision
Of course, Mike wasn’t the only part of me, and others sometimes disagreed with his tactics. But, overtime, all of me bought into Mike’s vision, born out of anger, that I could, indeed, become a healthy person with a fulfilled life without constant fear and pain. That’s when I began to learn that anger was my friend if used appropriately for good purposes.
My Drive Re-Emerges
Recently, I recognized that old drive again in relationship to my memoir which will be released on January 3, 2022. It captures me, holds me, makes me sleepless, pushes me through tough decisions, gives me energy beyond my limits, then drops me like a limp washrag on the floor so I can rest up and ride the drive again. Twenty years after integration, Mike is still an integral part of me, compelling me to tell my story, using the best craft I can muster, sharing it with as wide an audience as possible.
For Me & For Others
Is all this drive for my purposes? Maybe. But also for others who have DID and are learning what that means for them; for those who don’t understand DID and want to know more; for those who spread misinformation who might just reverse themselves and spread accurate information instead. Not that my story is the only accurate story; DID manifests itself in many different ways. But as we build a library of authentic stories about this creative coping strategy in response to chronic childhood trauma, may truth be told.
Self-Care
Somewhere inside you is an inner drive. It may or may not reside in a specific alter. It may or may not be related to anger. But, for sure, it’s what kept you alive when, by all intents and purposes, you should have died.
Even if you’re feeling low and despondent, you can discover and make friends with your inner drive. Today, it might seem like just a spec, barely noticeable, but it’s there. Acknowledge it, welcome it, and let it know that you’ll be ready to ride its coattails soon. While you’re taking care of your less energetic parts, let your tiny drive move you forward just an inch. Watch it grow. Then another inch. Grow some more. And another. Grow even more.
Give your drive, and all your parts, permission to create a beautiful vision for your life. Then allow your parts, fueled by your drive, to make it happen over the course of your lifetime.
Invitation
Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked and receive a free weekly newsletter. My memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory has a new release date in order to be current in the new year: January 3, 2022. We’re hoping PREORDERS will be up next week on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online! Our new Dissociative Writers website is filled with writing opportunities to explore.
What Do You Say?
Share your thoughts in the Comments below.
Do you recognize in yourself a drive that moves you forward?
Is this drive a result of anger or some other emotion?
Does this drive reside in an alter, or in your whole psyche?
How do you welcome or embrace the drive that helps you get healthy?
🕊
I have always had that inner drive, since my birth.
And I have always devoted myself gladly to work - to work and to the struggle.
~ Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn