God
When I was a little girl, my father taught me that people who believe in God are either stupid or weak. He said, “If you can’t see, hear, taste, touch, or feel it, it doesn’t exist.” Because parents often take on God-like qualities in the mind’s of their young children, I believed him. In my child’s eye, he was God and it seemed, somehow, dangerous not to believe him. As I grew into adulthood, I embraced the atheism of my father.
Art Credit: The Creation of Adam, Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo Buonarroti (1509)
Presence & Yearning
Oddly, a small part of me did not agree. This small part sensed a presence when I was very, very young. This small part yearned for something beyond myself. This small part did not know what to do with these feelings, but this small part was never abandoned by the presence or the yearning.
Faith
Fast forward 35 years and my life began falling apart, inside and out. I lost my grip on reality, felt suicidal, and, well … you know the drill. Gradually, the presence and yearning that had been carefully hidden by my small part all those years reemerged. I found myself praying prayers just to stay alive. I was surprised when I discovered the prayers were answered. Over time, the presence and yearning grew into a well-formed faith that sustains me.
Our Personal Perspectives
Some of us have been hurt by the church, the synagogue, or another institution that represents religion. Some of us have been hurt by the people who are supposed to embody those religions. Some of us, like me, grew up with anti-religion and were hurt by that. For all these reasons and more, we come to faith or lack of faith from personal, often poignant perspectives.
A Beautiful Tapestry
The God, Higher Power, Spirit, or Life Force of my understanding is aware of the baggage we bring to faith and meets us wherever we are. We do not have to buy into the whole package now or ever. Trusting the power that gives us life comes slowly, if ever, when our trust in our caregivers was betrayed so cruelly. Within each of us is a spirit beyond ourselves, whatever we call or don’t call it, that kept us alive. We are a beautiful tapestry of belief and non-belief, faith and lack of faith, clarity and confusion, and everything along those continuums. No matter where we are on that tapestry, we will not be abandoned.
A Prayer
Years ago when I was in the hospital, I learned the 12-Step Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I took that prayer and reshaped it into the prayer I needed as someone recovering from chronic childhood abuse and dissociative identity disorder: “God, give me the courage, strength and wisdom to know myself and do your will.” Knowing the truth about myself was the clincher that healed me, and doing God’s will led me toward a full and happy life.
Self-Care
If you have a deep faith, nurture it and give thanks.
If you have faith but many doubts, allow yourself to live with those doubts. If there is a God – and I believe there is – God does not hold those doubts against you. Doubt is not the opposite of faith but the result of an inquiring mind that, in our case, may come from breaking free of control and manipulation.
If you are highly skeptical and without faith, translate this blog into terms that are meaningful for you. For instance, your resilience, your system, or an ideal may embody the meaning your life needs to move forward.
Wherever you are on this tapestry, breathe in the knowledge that you are loved. Breathe out the lie that you are unloveable. Breathe in your innate worthiness. Breathe out the old tapes and memories that would prevent you from becoming fully yourself. Breathe in a vision-of-your-own-making for your life beyond brokenness. Breathe out all the obstacles that would stand in your way.
Claim yourself, all of you.
Invitation
Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked and receive a free weekly newsletter. My memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory (formerly titled Crazy? A Memoir and Crazy: In Search of a Narrative) will be released on December 1, 2021. Our new Dissociative Writers website is filled with writing opportunities to explore.
Share with us your grounding techniques in the Comments below.
“God, grant me the courage, strength, and wisdom to know myself and do your will.”
~ Prayer by Lyn Barrett