Integration
When I cook, I add many different ingredients to make one good meal. With beef bourguignon, that might include blending the flavors of Burgundy wine, brandy, onions, carrots, parsley, bay leaves, garlic and peppercorn by cooking them gently in a crock pot for hours. For lemon soufflé, I might mix butter, sugar, fresh lemon, lemon zest, egg yolks, and milk, then fold the concoction delicately into whipped egg whites to make the lightest, most flavorful dessert ever. When I grill salmon, I love to add just a bit of maple syrup with garlic and salt to make the most scrumptious seafood dinner. It’s all about letting the flavors co-mingle, complement each other, and take on new fullness of flavor in one wonderful meal.
Communication is the First Step
Integration of alters is something like gourmet cooking. Like your favorite slow cooked meal, your alters spend a lot of time in the “pot” getting to know one another, learning how to communicate with each other, and eventually supporting one another in the effort to make your life and their lives better.
As time goes on, alters influence one another, sharing their wisdom, their gifts, their pain, even their weaknesses and dysfunctions. Each unique perspective has the opportunity to impact others in the system so that, for instance, a hurt child part may learn from a caregiver part how to take care of another hurt child part.
A shy part may learn assertiveness from a part that holds anger. By the same token, the part that holds anger may learn how to manage frustration more effectively to benefit the whole system, or may channel the anger appropriately based on the needs of other alters.
A joyful part may elevate the mood of a despairing part who then has hope, meaning, and purpose.This kind of collaboration between alters is a first step toward integration.
My Alters, Yesterday & Today
In my own personal stone soup recipe, Rosie held the innocence of a small child. Today, she still imparts in me a wonder that I wouldn’t otherwise have. Mike’s fury has morphed from uncontrollable rage into appropriate assertiveness. Sylvia’s sexuality rests comfortably with my husband and her joi de vivre still bursts forth in a full-on dance across the living room floor now and again. Paula, who once led me through the maze of professional advancement, now plants me at my computer and refuses to let me retire. (Ah hah! I AM retired. Pretty soon I’ll learn to act like it.)
For me, integration of my alters was a natural and easy process. Prior to my decompensation, my parts had been collaborative to the point that I had no idea they were there. I guess you could say they were used to living as one person and only split apart when the danger in my life felt out-of-control. Then, after two decades of extreme pain, fear, shame, and doom, and just as many years doing the deep, hard work of recovery, my alters were ready to reunite and live as one again. They did it. Without letting me in on their plan. One day, while on vacation, I woke up and realized I was one. That was that.
Life After Integration
For many people, integration is a goal, and I believe it can be a good goal. However, it’s important to be aware that life is not perfect after integration. There’s still so much to learn about living a healthy, unified life. I continued therapy off and on for a decade after integration, and still reach out for help on occasion, twenty years out. The pursuit of deeper self-knowledge and authentic being is important for all people, not just for those of us with DID. Living our best is a lifelong journey.
Our Parts Are Always There
It’s also a misunderstanding to think that our parts disappear entirely when we integrate. They were formed when our brains were undeveloped, and they’ll always be there, influencing us in both passive and active ways. They are, and will always be, a part of us. Whether we ultimately choose to integrate or live collaboratively in functional multiplicity, our alters make up who we are. In my case, one or another part will occasionally come forward to share a thought or emotion but, mostly, they trust me to take the lead in this sometimes wonderful, sometimes painful experience called life.
Integration Is Not a Requirement
Integration is not a requirement for recovery. Every system is different and has lived a different set of experiences, so every system will find it’s own way forward. When your parts have told their stories and when their stories have been believed, then they will be ready to take the next step. Your system will either decide that life would be better lived as one, or that life is just fine as it is living as separate parts. Either way, their unique characteristics will continue to flavor the special dish that is YOU.
My kitchen is calling me. My idiosyncrasies are filling my senses with the flavor of my own unique self. Your recipe is unique, too, because your parts are special and flavor you just the way you were meant to be. As friends, let’s prepare a feast!
Self-Care
Although it’s good to have goals, it may be more advantageous to set aside the goals of integration or functional multiplicity for now. Perhaps your real goal is to get to know your system, support all your alters and let them support you, and see where it goes from there. Your wisdom comes from all your parts together. Let them lead you toward your next steps.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Roll with your flashbacks. Breathe through your triggers. Ground yourself with what ever strategies work. You are here, now, in the present day. Give yourself the space you need. You are an adult. You are safe. Together, you are a veritable banquet of goodness. Be well.
Invitation
Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked and receive a free weekly newsletter. My memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory will be released on January 3, 2022. PREORDERS are available NOW on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online. Check out our Tote Bag Special for the first 50 preorders! Our new Dissociative Writers website is filled with writing opportunities to explore.
What Do You Say?
Share your thoughts in the Comments below.
Do you hope to integrate your alters someday?
Would you rather allow your inside people to remain separate?
What is your hope for your future?
🕊
We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.
Thomas Merton