Intentions
“I never wanted to be crazy. Almost from the beginning of my decompensation, when I had the energy to think about it, I wanted to be sane and normal, with a shot at happiness, just like other people. For me, that meant that I would resume a life without a myriad of voices, without an endless stream of pain, without feeling like a victim, without the sense of unreality that so often enveloped me. Instead, my sense of self would be unified and integrated, my bonds with my real children would be renewed, I would have a loving relationship with another human being, and I would no longer be a victim. I would be a survivor, a thriver. I would own my own power and leave my pervasive sense of powerlessness behind.”
Setting Intentions
Intention Painting by Mariame Larour / Artmajeur
This excerpt from my upcoming memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory, embodies my deepest desire to become “normal.” Never mind that there’s no such thing as normal, just a myriad of unique individualities. Never mind that I wasn’t crazy, I only felt crazy. Never mind that a healthy person might be functionally multiple, and becoming one is not their goal. The bottom line was that this paragraph describes in detail my intention. An intention is a clear and positive statement of an outcome you want to experience. Intention-setting is an effective way to focus spiritual energy on what you want in your life that you don’t have now.
Of course, I didn’t know about intentions back then. Too busy decompensating and reconstructing myself, I probably never wrote anything this clearly about my hopes for the future. Yet behind the chaos and pain that were everyday companions, some part of me was holding onto this intention for dear life. I’m not aware of any inner arguments about seeking a relatively normal, pain-free life (just a little bit of disagreement in how we’d get there). While my back brain was in overdrive in fear and shame, my front brain clung to the hope that I would regain the equilibrium I thought I once had.
Intentions Move Us Forward
The mind is an amazing thing. Simply setting an intention, envisioning a future, or articulating a dream over and over again as if it’s become the wallpaper on your bedroom wall, moves you forward. I say “you” and not “me” because this is true for all of us individually and collectively. Somehow our minds in concert with our bodies lead us in the right direction, propel us toward our goals, and compel us to take the steps that might hurt in the short run but lead to healing in the long run.
Obstacles Make the Journey More Interesting
It’s true that we all have inner obstacles as well as helpers. Snake thought he was spirit and was ready to get rid of my body which only held the pain. Little Lynn didn’t believe a word the others said because she was intent on being a good girl and following orders. They and others put up roadblocks that made the journey more difficult but, ultimately, more interesting. The barriers they put in place were critical to the trip and required us to take detours to address their concerns. Contrary to what you would think, each roadblock took us a few miles forward.
Getting There
On the other hand, Mike was “f…ing pissed” my life had gone off-track and would do absolutely anything to make my intention reality. Paula used her mind to make logical, sensible decisions. Rosie was heard and slowly dipped her toe into trust. Even the blockers eventually helped get us there. In the end, my intention won out. Today, Snake sleeps on a sunny rock deep in the folds of my neurons, Little Lynn discovered she can be bad sometimes, and Mike is happily integrated (most of the time), contributing appropriate assertiveness in the everyday, normal projects I take on. Although my life isn’t perfect, the pain has disappeared, the chaos has given way to order, and I am happy.
Now, whether or not I’m normal, that’s another question 😉!
Self-Care
Maybe now is the time to set some serious intentions. Instead of letting the turmoil roil you back and forth on the sea of despair, consider what you really want for your life that you don’t have now. If you pray, pray about it. If you have a good friend or family member, talk about. If you paint or draw, make artwork about it. Sit with it in silence. Then write about it, with as much detail as you can. Let it sit, then go back to it in a few days. Does it fully set your intention? Did you digress or stay focused on exactly what you want in life? Revise as needed.
Some people tape their written intention on their bathroom mirror, their refrigerator, or on a wall. Some people read it every day as if it were a prayer. Some people just let it bubble in the back of their brains where their amazing mind does with it as it will. The important thing is not to forget it. This is your intention. This is your hope. This is your will. This is your future.
Invitation
Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked and receive a free weekly newsletter. My memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory will be released on December 1, 2021. PREORDERS are coming soon! Our new Dissociative Writers website is filled with writing opportunities to explore.
What Do You Think?
Share just a little bit of your journey in the comments below.
Have you set intentions for your life? What are they?
What obstacles and what helpers move you forward?
If you haven’t set intentions, are you ready to do so now?
🕊
“I don't have any control over what actually happens
except for that I have full control over my will for myself, my intention, and why I'm there.
That's all that matters.”
~ SZA