Trusting Relationships
“The world is built on relationships. If I was to have any semblance of a normal, sane life, I had to move beyond my doubt, fear, and shame and learn how to be vulnerable and intimate… I focused on learning how to trust appropriately and navigate relationships.” (excerpt from Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory)
Relationships - Anders Tomlinson
Genetically Wired
We’re genetically wired to be in relationships but sometimes those wires get crossed when we’ve been chronically violated as young children. As it turns out, intimate relationships requiring trust were difficult for me. I thought I trusted people, but I didn’t. My presenting part might put on a good show, but the rest of my system had a different story to tell.
Crossed Wires
Rosie, the center of my system, trusted pathologically. She climbed up on “his” lap and handed the hurt over to Nanny so she could climb up on his lap again. This pattern of trusting was reenacted in my adult life as she trusted when I should have been wary. Laura, the part who loved my children more than life itself, disappeared when danger lurked, not a very good model for motherhood. The Black Knight cut off peoples’ heads by ending relationships prematurely when other people reminded him of past offenses. My whole system was in turmoil for six years (read that again, six years!) when the other women in group therapy triggered my transference response.
Healing, Mending, Learning
Fortunately, what’s been wounded can heal. What’s been broken can mend. What’s never been learned can be taught. All of this happened to me, and to many of my alters individually, depending on what trauma or function the alter carried.
It was a long, slow, painful process to dip my toe into relationships, to be triggered and unpack the trigger, to figure out better ways to respond, to navigate minor relationships first, then to tackle bigger ones, to set boundaries, to be appropriately honest with another person when something just wasn’t sitting right, and to endure the fear and pain that accompanied all this work.
From Faux Trust to Authentic Trust
Over time, I discovered that the trust I thought I had was faux trust: what I thought was trust was really need. Once I understood that, I could work through the need and build a solid foundation of authentic trust. Today, I have good boundaries, trust appropriately, and have learned to recognize the red-light alert signals that cause me to be cautious. That gives me the safety to jump into the deep end of relationships with people who deserve my trust. I have mended, I have healed, I have learned. I’m a case study in the growth of the capacity for healthy relationships, and I’m grateful for the good relationships I have worked hard to build.
Self-Care
If you find yourself in relationships that are not life-giving, it’s time to do some self-assessment. Attachment issues in childhood translate into relationship problems in adulthood; this is common for people with dissociative disorders so you’re in good company!
Remember that you are worthy of healthy relationships. You don’t deserve abusive, neglectful, or manipulative relationships. Consider that you may carry patterns of dysfunctional relationships you learned from your caregivers. Work with your therapist to uncover what’s really going on when a relationship goes awry. Envision the kind of relationships you want in your life, if not with your current relationships, then with new relationships you look forward to cultivating, when you’re ready. Weed out your relationship garden, work on yourself, then get ready for a whole new garden of relationships to bloom.
Invitation
Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked and receive a free weekly newsletter. My memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory will be released on December 1, 2021. PREORDERS are coming soon! Our new Dissociative Writers website is filled with writing opportunities to explore.
What Do You Say?
Share your relationship experiences in the Comments below.
Are you satisfied with your relationships?
If you have relationship challenges, who or what do you think causes them?
What suggestions do you have for others regarding relationships, based on your own experience?
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“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not in the branch, but in its own wings.”
~ Anonymous