Who Am I?
Everyone goes through existential crises now and then. Adolescents famously explore who they are with or without the influence of the people who raised them. New parents try to figure out who they are in relation to the new life that sucks up everything they thought they knew about themselves. Empty nesters sometimes go through midlife crises wondering if everything they devoted their lives to really represents the core of who they are. Often, these normal phases of life lead to growth and new self-knowledge.
People with DID face the same blips in their sense of self as other people do but, in addition, experience very unique existential questions that follow us around relentlessly.
Unique Existential Questions
Indigenous Mirror by Jon Wassom
· Unreality: We may experience a sense of unreality in ourselves and our surroundings. The technical words for this are depersonalization and derealization. Why am I so disconnected from myself and everything around me?
· Amnesia: If we have amnesiac walls between our parts, it can be frightening to “disappear” when another alter is fronting. Where did I go? Who is taking over my body? How do I get to know the other parts of me?
· Co-consciousness: If we are co-conscious, it can be crazymaking to hear ten voices in our head all talking at the same time. What part of me do I listen to? How can I be numb and in pain at the same time?
· Active Insiders: As our systems become more vocal and our insiders more active (this is a healthy part of our healing!), the person we thought we were sometimes feels irrelevant. If I’m not the person I thought I was, who am I?
Who Am I?
As with general developmental questions that lead to growth and self-knowledge, our DID-specific existential challenges can lead to fuller lives that embrace all of who we are, whether as collaborative parts or as an integrated one. The answer to the question Who Am I? grows gradually as we acknowledge our painful past, explore our confusing present, and dream big dreams for a future yet to be.
Self-Care
As you can, carry the question Who Am I? lightly. Trust that your system will ultimately lead you to a deeper understanding of your full and embodied self.
In addition to good therapy, journaling is a foundational way to discover who you are. If you are amnesiac between parts, journaling establishes communication between your alters that will eventually lower the walls that keep you apart. If you are co-conscious, journaling helps you pull the threads of thought apart, clearing out cognitive chaos, and allowing your insiders to claim their voices.
Together, and over time, you will reshape the answer to the question Who Am I?
Invitation
Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked. You can also sign up for notification of the release of my memoir, Crazy? A Memoir (formerly titled Crazy: In Search of a Narrative) and learn more about writing opportunities.
What existential questions did I miss that you’ve been asking yourself? Share in the comments below. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
The Brihadaranyaka Upanishad