Prayer
Prayer was my link to survival. It wasn’t that I believed in prayer or that I knew who or what I was praying to. It’s just that the very act of praying kept me alive, it pulled me back from the edge, it gave me something to hold onto when I was falling into the abyss. You could say it was my lifeline.
Prayers of Pleading
It started in my journal. Help me. Help me. Help me. Who was writing this? What was it about? I didn’t know but somehow I always managed to survive the crisis. I was an atheist so I couldn’t imagine I was praying to a supernatural being although I had to admit that my pain sometimes seemed on par with the supernatural.
Gradually the pleas moved from my writing to my mind. Give me strength and wisdom. Give me strength and wisdom. By now, I knew exactly what I needed. I couldn’t make it though my ugly divorce, the angst of my children, and the chaos that was eating away at my sense of self without help. I needed strength to sustain me through that impossible scenario and wisdom to help me navigate our spiraling family dynamics.
Silence as Prayer
Sometimes I prayed just by sitting in silence. Later I learned that prayer is really a relationship that requires both speaking and listening. They say most people pray by speaking and need to develop their listening skills. It was easy for me to listen in the silence — I just receded into my dissociative state and let the silence ooze over me like the balm of Gilead.
Belief is Not a Prerequisite
I’m living proof you don’t have to believe in God to pray. You can pray to your higher self, to the universe, to a concept you’re drawn to, to the act of love that’s going on inside of your multiple minds, to your therapist even. In the end, I found myself praying to God even though I didn’t believe in God, and, eventually, I did, indeed, come to believe in the God-who-didn’t-exist who seemed to answer my prayers. (If you’re a true blue atheist, it’s probably dangerous to pray to God because you might find yourself believing in her too 😇.)
Artwork of Lyn’s prayer by Dissociative Writer beck.
My Prayer
I try to be careful not to impose my beliefs on others in Dissociative Writers because some of us simply aren’t interested in going there, or may have been hurt by religious people, or for any number of other reasons. But sometimes people reach out to me about religious issues and I want to honor their experiences too. Recently someone asked me to pray for them and I did. Sometimes people are looking for a church that’s safe. Last week a new subscriber to Dissociative Writers named beck sent me a beautiful piece of artwork with the prayer that kept me through the worst of it. I was deeply touched and so glad that prayer inspired someone else to art. God grant me the courage, strength, and wisdom to know myself and do your will.
When I was in the hospital, I learned the Serenity Prayer that has sustained people in 12-Step programs for over half a century. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. This is a wonderful prayer but it just didn’t meet my needs, so I changed it to reflect my willingness to discover whatever I would discover. I was plunging into my depths and had no idea what I’d find. Embarking on a dark journey required courage. Surrounded by overwhelming forces required strength. Although my inner children were taking the field, I was an adult who was making choices that would affect all of us so I needed wisdom. God grant me the courage, strength, an wisdom to know myself and do your will.
Prayer as Intention
Regardless of what you believe, I think prayer can be an intention-setter. It sets an intention of where you want to go, what you want to do, and who you want to be. For me, that was courage, strength, wisdom, and help. Once that intention was “out there,” it acted like a magnet that pulled me forward, ever closer to my goal. For me, God is the magnet who pulls the string. You may frame that differently. The universe is filled with power that both hurts and heals, so why not take advantage of the healing power of prayer?
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Healing yourself is connected with healing others.
~ Yoko Ono
Lyn