Diagnosed

The days leading up to the psychiatrist’s appointment were tumultuous. 

Second Opinion

Although my therapist believed I had multiple personalities and we were well on the road to appropriate treatment, I didn’t believe it. Not for a minute. I was an intelligent woman and this was fantasy. So, I made an appointment for a second opinion. 

Not so fast. Maybe a part of me did believe I was MPD (multiple personality disorder, the old name for what is now called dissociative identity disorder or DID). Who knew? Looking back, it made sense that part of me didn’t believe it and part of me did. There had to some reason for the crazy and chaotic feelings I was experiencing.

Bad Girl

As I waited for the appointed date to roll around, multiple voices vied for airtime, frightened, ashamed, confused. This new doctor was a threat. He wouldn’t believe me. He’d tell me I was bad or crazy. I was going to get into trouble. 

I’m a bad girl. He’s going to tell me I’m a bad girl. But don’t hurt me. Nothing. 

I was sure I had tricked everyone, including my therapist and myself. 

I’m bad for thinking these things. I’m bad for writing them. He will tell me that. He will tell me that it isn’t true. He will tell me to go home and buckle up and get better. But he won’t say it like that. He will make it sound nice and supportive and professional and true. And I will go home and believe him and disappear.

Confirmed

On the appointed day, I drove into the big city after work to meet with this new health care provider. I remember little about what happened in his office except that he didn’t tell me I was bad. He didn’t tell me to go home and buckle up. In fact, I remember he said, “I see no reason why you shouldn’t believe what your body, mind, and spirit are telling you.” He confirmed the diagnosis. 

It’s hard to express what that diagnosis meant to me. Although I continued to have doubts, some place deep inside embraced the diagnosis with all of my being. I continued to have chaos, but now I could begin to tease the chaos apart bit by bit. I continued to have pain, but now the pain was there for a reason. I still felt crazy, but now not so much. Now, there appeared to be a dim path forward through the muck of fear and the mud of confusion.

Labeled 

As a former educator, I’ve been taught to be wary of labels. When we label a child, we tend to expect only so much from them, closing off the possibility of strengths and gifts we didn’t know were there. Here I was, embracing a label for myself and it felt right. I have multiple personality disorder. I have dissociative identity disorder. There’s a name for what’s happening to me. There’s a reason that I’m falling apart. I’m not crazy.

I know of folks who have a very difficult time with the diagnosis of DID. That’s understandable. Depending on our circumstances, we may perceive it as a death sentence or as an invitation to new life. It is both. It is the death of the person we thought we were, the family we thought we had, and the childhood we pretended existed. It is also an invitation to do the hard work of healing, to feel the pain and move on, to grieve the losses and let them go … not quickly, but slowly over the course of our lifetimes.

For me, the diagnosis was a ticket on the DID train line that took me to my destination – living fully into the person I was meant to be. I hope it is for you, too. (Download DID Unpacked: A Parable here.)

Self-Care

Whether you are self-diagnosed or have been diagnosed professionally, the knowledge of your condition changes who you are. It’s the beginning of your journey to heal from adverse childhood experiences, to know your parts, to explore your triggers, and to integrate your memories into your life narrative.

Find a safe and comfortable place to relax and settle in. Breathe in slowly and breathe out completely. Breathe in your truth and breathe out the lies. Let each part of you have a voice when the time is right. In the meantime, be who you are - whoever you are - in the moment.

Invitation

Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked and receive a free weekly newsletter. My memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory will be released on December 1, 2021. Our new Dissociative Writers website is filled with writing opportunities to explore.

Question

How did you react when you first learned you have DID?

Was it a shock or a relief?

Have you come to terms with your diagnosis, or do you still struggle with it.

Share in the Comments below.  

“You know the truth by the way it feels.”

~Anonymous

Lyn