Shame

For years, a shadow of shame followed me wherever I went. 

Shame vs. Guilt

If the difference between shame and guilt is, ‘I am bad’ versus ‘I did something bad,’ then my whole existence was grounded in shame. No matter how hard I tried to do good things, I was bad. I was worthless. I was useless. I was wrong.  

“Shame” (c) Dana Shutz

For the longest time, the shadow remained an organ within my body without shape or form, pumping out dirt, ugliness and shame into my whole being much the way the heart pumps blood into the body. 

I’m Bad

I am very bad, said this shadow of shame who was always with me. I am like tar and caked with thick, moist dirt. You can scrape it off me. I am so bad. I am bad because I am not right. I am wrong. That is why I have to be right. I can’t be wrong, said the cloud using circular logic. Because I don’t want to be bad. And I don’t want to be dirty.

A New Alter 

Eventually, this dark cloud introduced himself to me as an alter whose name was the Devil. One day in therapy, the organ of shame began to speak, angry, hurting, hurling insults at my therapist.

“My name is the Devil and I’m mean and terrible. You’d better be afraid of me because I do bad things. I’m awful. I’m despicable. I hate you.” 

“Devil, it’s so nice to meet you.” 

Stay Away from Me 

The Devil embodied the most degrading images of me and spewed his shame into every corner of my existence. His poison was ready to shut my whole system down.

“Why would you think it’s nice to meet me? Who would be glad to meet me? That’s why I stay hidden inside her. Because I’m disgusting and nobody wants to meet me. Stay away from me. I might hurt you. I hate you. I hate everybody. I’m so bad.”  

I’m Glad You’re Here 

“Devil, I’m impressed you’ve come up and introduced yourself.” said my therapist. “That took a lot of courage. You must be very hurt and lonely in there by yourself. I’m glad you’re here.” My therapist continued her relentless welcoming of my alters even when they appeared mean and dangerous. That was her secret strategy, or so I would learn, and eventually it became my strategy too. 

Maladaptive or Evolutionary Advantage?

Some researchers believe that shame has an evolutionary advantage while others see it as maladaptive and supportive of dysfunctional behaviors. According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It's an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world.

Kicking the Shame Habit

I was determined to kick the shame habit, to the extent that I could. Both my therapist and I continued to welcome this little ball of pain and invite him into my conversation. Over time, we learned his terrible story. My system rallied around him to soothe his piercing cries, rock him, and assure him he wasn’t bad, wrong, or unloved. Eventually, the Devil – who identified himself as Rosie’s “dark side” alter – calmed down. His anger disappeared. His tears subsided. He learned that he was loved.

Perhaps we all carry a certain amount of shame within us, that evolutionary advantage that helps us survive. However, when we are taught that we are worthless, wrong, and unloved – by actions and by words – the amount of shame grows exponentially and becomes an unbearable burden. We can release it slowly by learning to love ourselves, by speaking our truth, and by soothing the parts who believe it is their job to carry it all by themselves. 

Self-Care

Are you a physical person? Take power walks or do exercise reps to sweat the shame away.

Are you a meditative person? Sit in silence and breathe the shame out as you breathe light and love into the space that remains.

Are you a problem solver? Think it through. Who does the shame really belong to? Give it back.

Are you feeling overwhelmed and unable to do anything? Rest, and let others in your system embrace your shame as the hurt child he or she really is.

Invitation

Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked and receive a free weekly newsletter. My memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory will be released on December 1, 2021. Our new Dissociative Writers website is filled with writing opportunities to explore.

What Do You Think?

Does shame cripple you, or have you kicked the shame habit?

What are some suggestions you can share with others?

Share in the Comments below.  

“Shame says that because I am flawed, I am unacceptable.

Grace says that though I am flawed, I am loved.”

~Anonymous

Lyn