Friend or Foe?
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out if someone is a friend or foe. Take one person in your own life, for example. Lots of times, that person is wonderful, helpful, a true friend. Right? So why is it that another time that very same person hurts, makes you feel unsafe, or even frightens you?
Reminders of the Past
I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the number of people who have triggered me. They remind me of someone from my past. They create a situation that is similar to a situation that was hurtful. It could just be a look from their eyes, a phrase they utter, or the fragrance they’re wearing. All of a sudden, this dear friend has become the enemy. Help!
Most of us have been around the block a few times so we know when we’ve been triggered. Our alarm bells sound off while we’re huddled in the corner – oh, no! it’s probably not as bad as I think it is! I know he/she/they are my friends so why am I feeling this way? What do I do now? How do I get out of this vicious cycle that has me trapped?
Figuring It Out
To figure out whether this hypothetical person who triggered you is a friend or foe, here are some suggestions:
Look at the Whole Picture: Look at the whole picture of this person. Overall, have they been trustworthy? Have they been manipulative? How would you characterize your relationship and their behavior most of the time?
How Would They Respond? If you told them what you’re feeling, would they listen or would they use it against you? Could you have a rational conversation with them?
We All Mess Up: Everybody messes up sometimes. Did this person mess up? Did you? Can you forgive the other person, or do you think they can forgive you?
It’s Not About Them: Do you remember that triggers usually have very little to do with the person or situation in the present, but are actually memories, of a sort. Your button was pushed and now you’re back in the past with overwhelming feelings you don’t know what to do with. That means you may have to work through this without their input because the way you're feeling really isn't about them.
Use Grounding Strategies: What kind of grounding strategies help you come back into the present? When you’re in the present, you are in a better position to evaluate the situation. Do you have professional help to give you reality checks as you unravel the trigger?
Set Boundaries: Sometimes a boundary feels like an attack. Try to remember that everyone needs to set boundaries. Someone else’s boundaries may not feel comfortable to you, just like your boundaries may not feel comfortable to someone else. If the other person doesn’t respect your boundaries, that’s a warning sign.
Friend or Foe? Sometimes the person who triggers you really isn’t healthy for you. In those cases, a trigger may be a warning sign for you to step back from the relationship. Toxic people are the subject for a whole other blog post. Don’t assume that your friend is toxic, though, until you’ve come out of your triggered state, and you’ve worked through the issues with your therapist. Friendships are valuable and not to be discarded lightly.
Sometimes it’s hard to figure out if a person is a friend or foe. Working through your triggers, getting a better grasp on what is in the present and what is in the past, and looking at the situation from a grounded place will help you find your answer. It’s a part of the healing process – not necessarily an easy one – but well worth the effort. We need people in our corner – sometimes even the ones who trigger us!
Self-Care
Be gentle with yourself when your internal landscape is triggered by people you think (or thought) were safe. Use the list above to help you work through the relationship as well as the trigger. Own your own stuff. Most important, ask your therapist to help you.
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DW is receiving submissions for the 2023 Anthology from DW subscribers. Please send your submission, along with the completed Submission Form and signed Agreement to Publish to Gabby, no later than September 16, 2022. You can find these documents on www.groupeasy.com Documents/Anthology Documents. For more information about the anthology submissions, contact Gabby.
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One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 18: 24
Lyn