Recalibrating with Cancer
Foreword: I’m delighted to welcome Vilaya Roberts as guest blogger. Vilaya is a retired program director for a large university and is currently studying to become a life coach. She is an active member of DW, participating in both workshops and a memoir class. ~ Lyn
Guest Post by Vilaya Roberts
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and healing from the effects of that experience has been a life-long journey. But just as I thought I had reached a place of calm and stability; I was hit with a new trauma.
In August of 2021 I was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer called Essential Thrombocythemia (a disorder where the body creates too many platelets). Until that moment, the most serious health issue I had experienced was having hip replacement surgery. The word “cancer” carries so much weight and terror; it took a while for my mind to take in the information.
Making Decisions
I believe that Life/Spirit speaks to us constantly; guiding us, encouraging us, comforting us, but we rarely hear its soft, subtle voice because we’re so busy focusing on our “to do” list; the next task to get done. This list that is never completed and constantly expanding, consumes our time, our energy. At the end of the day, we are so depleted that sleep (if it comes) does not restore us. At this point, what is needed is a change of focus. For that to happen, we often experience a “hard stop event.” My “event” was cancer.
At the time of the diagnosis, I was 70 years old and still working full-time as a program coordinator for a general education program at a large university. This position was high stress, detail-oriented, and entailed working with multiple offices across campus. I had to be able to focus, switch seamlessly between tasks at a moment’s notice, and work effectively with different personalities. I liked my job, was earning a good salary and had great health insurance. To do the job effectively, however, required an energy level that was fast diminishing.
I didn’t share my diagnosis with anyone for about two weeks; I wanted to give myself time to accept where I was, health-wise. Slowly, I began to tell friends and colleagues about my diagnosis; assuring them that I was not terminal, that my illness could be managed with medication.
Even after establishing a medication routine that worked to keep the blood platelets within an acceptable range, I was still experiencing fatigue. Most days, I had to take a nap for a couple of hours just to make it to the end of the day.
I was speaking with a friend one day and she asked me when I was going to retire. I hadn’t even considered retiring; my focus was on maintaining my workload while managing my illness. But near the end of the year, it became apparent to me that I couldn’t maintain that level of stress and manage my illness.
My diagnosis gave me permission to step back and take a hard look at how I was living my life. My job was the focus of my life. My “to do” list was constantly on my mind; this list shaped my days and it often kept me awake at night.
Slowly, I began to entertain the thought that retiring would be in my best interest, for my physical as well as my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. So, in November 2021, I called my supervisor and told him I would retire in July 2022.
Now, I was faced with the question: who would I be without this job?
Retirement
I am now four months into retirement and life looks and feels different. Still, at times I forget I don’t have to go to work; there isn’t a deadline I have to meet, no phone calls I must return or meetings to attend. Slowly and with patience, I’m learning to reclaim my time, to re-shape my life.
I am now in charge of my schedule. I can plan walks and lunch with friends. I now have time to meditate, read, cook, and write. I’m enrolled in a course to be certified as a Life Coach, and even though I attend classes and workshops, and have homework to complete, there is space in my day to just “be” and check in, and ask myself what would I love to do today?
The most profound change I have noticed is that I feel calm most of the time. I find myself breathing deeply, feeling rooted in my body, not constantly in my head thinking about the next task. There is a peaceful quality to my days.
Gratitude
I survived the sexual abuse of my childhood. As horrendous as that experience was, in its aftermath I discovered an inner reservoir of strength, resiliency, and hope, and I’m using these skills to navigate this health issue.
My life is full — full of people and activities I love. I am grateful. Even living with cancer as a traveling companion, I am grateful.
Creative Healing 2023
The DW writing anthology is almost at press! Look forward to seeing the written word and works of art in a beautiful new anthology. Our projected publication date is January 15th and it will be available for free download sometime later in January. Thank you to all who contributed and to Gabby and Debby who brought it to fruition!
Calling All Healing Together Participants!
An Infinite Mind is holding their annual Healing Together Conference in Orlando FL on February 17-19, 2023. If you are planning to attend or planning to lead a workshop, please let Lyn know so we can arrange for a DW reunion. Gabby is leading a workshop called Grief: Managing Loss through Art and Music and Lyn is leading a workshop called Confronting the F-Word.
Crazy Receives First Place Royal Dragonfly Award!
Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory was named First Place Winner in the 2022 Biography/Autobiography/Memoir category of the Royal Dragonfly Award. The Royal Dragonfly honors excellence in all types of literature and book marketing, recognizing creativity and hard work for a comprehensive list of genres in 68 categories.
New Year, New Call, New Responsibiities
I’ve been asked to be the half-time “bridge pastor” for a local Lutheran Church in Las Cruces. A bridge pastor bridges the gap between the intentional interim pastor who helps the congregation get ready for new ministry with a new pastor, and the new called, settled pastor. We expect this assignment to last until Easter (more or less) with a new pastor taking their place sometime soon. I’ve been clear with the church about my commitment to DW and they support me in that commitment. The difference you may see in the next few months is fewer newsletters as I’ll be spending a lot of time writing sermons instead of blog posts! I’m looking forward to helping this congregation but also looking forward to backing away and spending more time with you. See you in writers workshops! ~ Lyn
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Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.
~ Nelson Mandela
Lyn