Shame, Rage, & Hope
Often, I suggest that people “give their shame back” to the person it belongs to. Somehow, somewhere in my ancient history, I’ve done that, but I haven’t a clue how. I just know that the huge cloud of darkness no longer follows me around. The baby, cold and wet, is no longer screaming. I’m no longer incapacitated by the dull throb of black tar pumping through the veins in my body.
Until recently. Shame has reared its ugly head again, not as virulent, not as overwhelming, but there nonetheless.
“How,” I pleaded with my therapist, “do I give it back?” after she reminded me that the shame I was feeling didn’t belong to me. The owner of this particular iteration of my shame is peripherally in my life, and even that limited, yet unavoidable, presence pushes the button. Carrying this shame runs the risk of leading me to despair.
When someone carries an overload of shame, they may project it onto someone else in order to relieve their own load. If they get no relief, they may rage against the other person to protect themselves from the insidious effects of toxic shame. Sometimes that rage is active violence or abuse, but sometimes it’s passive-aggressive like gaslighting, ghosting, or controlling. Instead of doing the inner work that would release both them and their victim, they camouflage their rage to protect themselves from their shame, and project the shame forward.
(c) Lyn Barrett
In some cases, their shame may have arisen from the questionable things they have done; in other cases, their shame may have been projected onto them by another person. To some extent, I understand this process. Early in my recovery, I chose (unconsciously) someone to project my shame onto because my load was too heavy to carry.
Giving It Back
The whole world carries around this toxic shame which is too much for anyone to bear, so we pass the ball from one person to the other, from one generation to another. Ultimately, the way to release the shame that keeps us in chaos is to heal ourselves and let the dark cloud dissipate while resisting the urge to project it onto someone else. Whether we gave birth to the shame or it was projected onto us, we heal it and release it.
“But how, Sonia, how. How do I give it back?”
“By understanding where it comes from and where it belongs,” she said. So to better understand this process, and to let it sink into my entire system, I’ve diagramed this process as it works for me. As it shows, I feel hopeless when I accept the projected shame. I feel hopeful when I return it to its rightful owner, whose responsibility it is to heal it themselves. This process lifts me up and gives me hope. I hope it may do the same for you.
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We are over two-thirds of the way to our DW Writes On! goal of $4,000 with a grand total of $3,103 raised. Thank you to all who have contributed! December is our final push. Several generous DW supporters have offered to match any contributions that come to us in December! If you give $25, we get $50. If you give $50, we get $100. If you give $100, we get $200. In this season of giving, will you consider a gift to DW Writes On!? Every gift, no matter the size, counts. Take advantage of the DW Writes On! December Match by clicking here. Thank you!
December Events
Monday, December 11, 6:30 pm Eastern: DW Business Meeting
Tuesday, December 12, 1 pm, Eastern: Writing-in-Place
Tuesday, December 19, 1 pm Eastern: Traditional Workshop
Wednesday, December 20, 2 pm Eastern: Social Hangout
Wednesday, December 20, 8 pm Eastern: Evening Writing-in-Place
Tuesday, December 26, 1 pm Eastern: Writing-in-Place
🕊️
The ones I loved fly as birds in the open sky above me.
Soaring, weaving, calling me to join them.
I want so badly to follow them,
but the seawater saturates my wings,
making it impossible to lift them.
from Mockingjay, by Suzanne Collings, chapter 25
Lyn