Strength or Weakness?
Some people told me I was courageous for writing a memoir, publishing it, and coming out of the closet.
Other people told me I was strong for surviving the present while unearthing the past.
My therapist told me I was relentless in my pursuit of healing.
Most of the time, I didn’t feel courageous, strong, or relentless
I felt afraid, weak, and incapable.
Sometimes, when a trigger hits me today, I still do.
Both / And
The truth is that I am all of these, and I’m betting you are all of these too.
Everyone embodies a plethora of positive and negative images of themselves, but people whose minds are not fragmented generally stay in the present when assessing their qualities. That is not true for those of us with dissociative disorders. Small inner children can coopt the present and substitute their small view of the world when we’re navigating life’s challenges.
“He’s going to hurt me,” we think when triggered by someone who reminds us of the past.
“I will disappear,” we feel when overwhelmed by an unfamiliar (or a frightening familiar) situation.
“I can’t do it,” we are sure when wracked with body pain that peels off layers of skin.
From Past to Present
When I stay in the past, my small insiders ARE afraid, weak, and incapable – but they are not all of me. I have an amazing system – and I bet you do too! – that embodies wonderful strengths, skills, and talents. In the maze that is me, my internal comforters, caregivers, and reality-checkers gently lead my Littles into the present where I am an adult and they are safe.
I do not understand how all of this works, but somehow it does. I am a maddening mix of strength and weakness, fired by my will to live, tempered by my fear and pain, and sustained by my healing which is real and ongoing. In the forest, sometimes, I can only decipher the frightened, helpless child, but the trees of adulthood are all around me, ready to turn my weakness into strength.
Power in Weakness
The apostle Paul in the New Testament of the Christian Bible tells the story of the torment he experienced from a thorn in his side. Whether you subscribe to this faith or not, there is wisdom in this parable of prayer for removal of the thorn. God answered, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.”
Hmmm. Power made perfect in weakness? Perhaps our power – our courage, strength, and relentlessness – comes from the weakness held by our Littles, the ones who saved us in the storm. The quote by Criss Jami, below, reminds us that to share our weakness is to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable is to show strength. As we grow and heal, we can embrace both our weakness and the strength that grows from it. We can be fully who we were meant to be. We can live whole lives in our oneness and our multiplicity.
Self-Care
Grounding strategies help us move from past to present. My most effective grounding strategies include 1) engaging in physical activity, 2) writing, and 3) talking with someone who understands.
When you are stuck in the past — thinking and feeling you are afraid, weak, and incapable — what grounding strategies help bring you back into the present? Who, in your system, can help your little ones know you are an adult, safe, and capable of managing life’s challenges? Thank that part of you for helping your system function well. Thank your Littles for saving your life.
If you’d like, share what helps you come back to the present in the Comments below.
DW Subscriptions
Earlybird June subscriptions to DW will end this week as we move into the month of July. If you’d like a free digital copy of Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory, be sure to subscribe by June 30th. The modest fee of $10 monthly or $100 annually helps sustain DW longterm. Full scholarship is available by request (no questions asked) on the subscription form. Click here to learn about DW subscription benefits and here to fill out the subscription form.
July Social Hangout
JJ will facilitate our first Social Hangout on Wednesday, July 20th from 2-3 pm Eastern (1 pm Central, 12 pm Mountain, 11 am Pacific). JJ has icebreakers planned so people can spend more time together as friends! Social Hangouts will continue monthly on the third Wednesday of the month. Thank you, JJ!
July Calendar
Times of events, link, and more information will come to your inbox in the July DW Calendar. Sharon will begin sending this information this month so look for your email under a new email. Thank you, Sharon!
July 5 Traditional Workshop
July 11 Dissociative Writers Meeting
July 12 Writing-in-Place Workshop
July 19 Traditional Workshop
July 20 Social Hangout
July 26 Writing-in-Place Workshop
Bay View Michigan Chautauqua
I will be preaching and giving four lectures at Bay View Michigan Chautauqua on July 24-28, 2022. The theme for the week is Dissociative Identity Disorder, and the title of the sermon is “Remembering the Tough Stuff”. The lecture titles are: Dissociative What?, Pathways to Recovery, Is Forgiveness the Goal?, and Let It End Here. If you will be vacationing in the area, be sure to visit Bay View and say hello.
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To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable;
to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.
~ Criss Jami
Lyn