Is Forgiveness the Goal?
No.
Okay, okay, I know this isn’t what you’ve been taught. I know you think forgiveness will lead to healing. I know this will be a controversial post.
Healing is the Goal
The Art of Forgiveness by Jessica Leigh
In my humble opinion, forgiveness isn’t the goal. Wholeness, whether as one or as many, is a goal. Freedom from triggers is a goal. Knowledge of who we are is a goal. Living into our potential without feeling unreal is a goal. Leaving the rest behind is a goal.
Grieving is the Process
These tangible steps toward healing require us to come to terms with what we’ve lost because of the chronic trauma we experienced. Our innocence. Our childhoods. Our naïve dreams. Our escapist fantasies. It’s hard work to let go of what we never had. Grieving – cycling through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance over and over again – is the process that will lead us to our goals. Sometimes grieving enables us to forgive and sometimes it doesn’t. Forgiveness is not a requirement, but grieving is.
Forgiveness & DID
I will go a step further. In some therapeutic circles, it’s fashionable to encourage the client to set forgiveness as a goal. While letting go of past wounds can make a healthier person both physically and emotionally, I believe the admonition to forgive was never meant for people whose very selves were fragmented by the caregivers who “loved” them. Since we often disbelieve ourselves, since we likely believed the lies that were told to us, and since we frequently blame ourselves even now, forgiving a perpetrator prematurely may be akin to taking responsibility for the wrongs that were done.
Is Forgiveness Possible?
Does this mean forgiveness is impossible? No. When we do our work, reach our goals, and grieve our losses, sometimes forgiveness happens. Personally, forgiveness was the last thing on my mind during my twenty years of deep work. It was all I could do to stay alive. Today, I can honestly say I live a happy life, free from pain and bitterness. I’ve left the past behind. Does this mean I’ve forgiven? Maybe. I know forgiveness was never my goal but becoming a whole person was.
Faith
As a woman of faith, I remember Jesus saying, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.” In his darkest hour, even Jesus gave the work of forgiveness over to God. Perhaps we should to.
Self-Care
How important do you think forgiveness is to your healing? Ask your alters what they think. You may find you have more than one opinion. Let your parts talk about it in your mind and in your journal. Respect everyone’s thoughts and encourage a dialogue to grow.
If you believe forgiveness is important, do you think it leads to healing? Or do you think healing leads to forgiveness? What is the relationship between forgiveness and healing?
Allow yourself to live with ambivalence if you find it. Then focus on your healing.
Invitation
Check out my website at www.lynbarrett.com where you can download my free ebook called DID Unpacked. You can also sign up for notification of the release of my memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory (formerly titled Crazy? A Memoir and Crazy: In Search of a Narrative). Our new Dissociative Writers website is filled with writing opportunities to explore. Email me or share your thoughts in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you!
“Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.”
Luke 23: 34