Rethinking Integration
For many years, I’ve thought of myself as “integrated,” as moving through life as “one” instead of many. When I wrote my memoir, Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory, and began blogging and leading writers workshops, I billed myself as integrated because “mostly, they trust me (p. 188).”
All of this is true. If integration means that we assimilate new knowledge into our whole selves, then I have assimilated the knowledge of my alters, their stories, and the meaning of their existence in my life. I have few amnesic walls that I’m aware of. I function as one. I close Crazy by saying, “They will always be there because that’s the way my brain was formed in those developmental, traumatic years of my life. They did their work, and now we were one (p. 188).”
Somehow, though, I think I thought they had disappeared.
They hadn’t.
Not only is the whole Ring Around Rosie (the name of my system) intact, I’ve met new alters in the past year who have dislodged themselves from my unity to begin to speak their truth. How can this be?
Image Credit: https://www.discussingdissociation.com/2016/12/example-dissociative-artwork/
A Developmental Strategy
I answered my own question above: because it’s the way my brain was formed in my developmental, traumatic years. It’s a testament to my system and the work I’ve done to heal that they collaborate so well that I hardly know they’re there, most of the time. But when my inner quietude is threatened, when my safe life senses the shadow of danger, old voices sometimes reemerge and new voices sometimes appear.
New Alters & Old Ones
Welcome, Tears and Little Linda! I’m only beginning to get to know you.
No Name, who never fully integrated because he appeared toward the end of my intense healing journey, recently popped his head out of the tunnel where he’s been hiding to stay away from danger and protect the “memories in the box” he’s been entrusted with. He REALLY wants to get out of the “f—ing tunnel” to enjoy the sun and rain and breeze on his skin.
Choosing a Name
My therapist, Sonia, suggested I give him a name, but he wants to choose it himself. We’re going to build a bird garden in the backyard of my new home, so Sonia suggested Sparrow, a common bird here. No Name likes Sparrow but wants to thoroughly research the possibilities (and not just take Sonia’s first suggestion) so he’s proposed Wren (another bird in our backyard) or Genie (like the genie in the lamp who grants his wish to get out of the tunnel). No Name is still in the tunnel most of the time, but he’s thinking about names, planning the garden, and looking forward to a full release sometime next year in the garden built just for him (and the birds).
They Never Leave
Some people I know are terrified of integration, as if our parts would ever, could ever, leave us. They don’t. They continue throughout our lives to inform our strengths, weaknesses, fears, anticipations, and all the ways we move through the world, occasionally overtly, but mostly covertly or even passively. For many of us, though, they give up executive control because they feel safe, because they trust us, because they’ve decided life is just as good (maybe even better) as one, as it is as many.
Never fear, if they have something to say, they will!
Self-Care
If your parts are nervous or upset about the possibility of integration, reassure them. They will always be there because they are a part of you. They get to chose whether to hand over executive control or not. No one can force them. Right now, you are a collaborative unit. You will get better and better at collaborating as you go forward in treatment. You can navigate the world as many or you can navigate the world, mostly, as one. Integration is not a dirty word. It’s just a word to describe how we internalize the knowledge each of our parts imparts. It’s YOUR choice. They will always be there.
Ratings & Reviews
Today I checked Amazon and saw one more rating of Crazy bump my total to 39. Yay!!! Thank you to whoever pushed that button. My goal is 50 ratings. They say once you hit that number, your book takes off on its own. Amazon allows you to rate, review, or both. Ratings push the numbers up to help the Amazon algorithm along, while reviews give potential buyers a good reason to buy. If you haven’t rated or reviewed Crazy yet, click here and help me get to my goal!
Demystifying DID
Join Jane Tambree’ at her webinar scheduled for Wednesday, June 8, 2022, from 3:30-5:30 MDT. As an LCSW-C and a person with DID, Jane is uniquely qualified to speak to both clinicians and fellow survivors. Learn more about this important seminar — and invite your therapist and other medical providers — by clicking here.
DW Subscriptions Begin This Week
Whether you are a writer in writers workshops or whether you support Dissociative Writers from afar, you will have a chance to help us create a sustainable group that continues long past any one person involved in DW. I’ll be sending out an email inviting you to subscribe to DW or to offer a donation sometime this week. Look for this opportunity! Your commitment and generosity will keep our voices front and center.
🕊
“Dear little ones, I know this might be scary and confusing right now,
but my name is Jade and I'm here to help.”
~ Jade Miller, Dear Little Ones
Lyn