Grief
I’ve done so much deep, gut-wrenching self-exploration that I used to say, somewhat smugly, that I hardly needed to grieve anymore. I already had.
I didn’t need to grieve when my parents died – been there, done that.
I didn’t need to grieve when I lost a job – nothing, compared to what I’d already been through.
I didn’t need to grieve when I moved and left old friends behind – who cares when there’s a new adventure ahead?
I didn’t need to grieve when my second husband died suddenly and unexpectedly four days before our first anniversary – well, that really was a hard one, but I did what I always do and buckled up and moved forward.
Image Credit: The Other Side of Grief, Healthline
Grief is a Natural Response to Loss
There was some truth to my belief that the self-awareness gleaned from years of trauma-informed therapy helped me cope. Embedded in my deep plunge were the threads of grief everywhere. Although grief work is not the core of trauma healing – addressing trust and relationship issues, managing triggers, communicating between alters, and memory work are – at some point we have to mourn what we’ve lost. The family we thought we had, the childhood we missed, a life without chaos, intimate relationships, authentic love, happiness, peace. Grief is our natural response to the loss of something important, but my years of inner work had made me resilient.
Grief Happens Even In Good Times
So guess who’s been knocked off her feet with grief? I never expected it. This year was supposed to be the year I rocked the world. I published my memoir. I was interviewed by close to thirty radio shows and podcasts and published shorter pieces in news outlets around the globe. I formed a group of dynamic writers that is thriving and growing, and made a lot of new friends in the process. I moved to the other side of the country to be closer to a larger family cluster AND to enjoy beautiful sunny weather all year round. What’s the problem? Where’s the rub? What’s to grieve?
New Grief & Unresolved Grief
Oh, my. Where do I begin? How do I explain? I’m not even sure I know myself the full scope of my grief. They say that each loss we experience brings up unresolved grief from the past, so our ball of grief gets bigger each time we lose something. Unless, of course, we’ve processed through that grief, which I thought I had. All I know for sure is that I cry at unseemly times. I feel a lethargy I haven’t felt in years. I have regrets, which I’ve almost never had. And that bugaboo, shame, has sought me out and tried to get a foothold in my psyche again. (“What’s wrong with you? You’re grieving?! You should be ashamed of yourself!”)
Grief is Good
Although I’m disappointed with this turn of events, I know it’s my natural response to some real losses I’ve experienced this year. It’s not pathological. Allowed to run its course with compassion and care, it’s healthy. If I am honest about my grief – as I am in this blog post – and let myself feel the feelings, I will come out on the other side, happier, stronger, and more resilient than I was before. Grief is a part of our healing process to be embraced and honored. It's a testimony to our profound losses, our authentic feelings, and our drive to become healthy and whole.
Self-Care
If you are grieving, don’t let anyone tell you (including your alters!) that you shouldn’t be grieving, that you need to buckle up, that dwelling on a loss is bad for you. Your feelings are important, all of them.
If you know, specifically, what you’ve lost, attend to that loss. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to get angry. Allow yourself to write whatever comes from whatever part of you in your journal. Paint a picture of your loss. Share your loss and your grief with someone you trust. You may even create a ritual of remembrance or a ritual of farewell to whatever it is that you’ve lost. Embrace what you lost because it’s a part of you. Take all the time you need. As you do this, you will eventually create a “new normal” of life after loss. Right now, you may not be able to imagine that new normal, but allow yourself to dream. Someday, all of you will.
DW Subcriptions
DW subscriptions will begin on or about June 1st. We hope you will consider subscribing for $10 monthly, $100 annually, or by donation. Full scholarship is available, no questions asked. Look for the subscription form on the DW website and in an email sent at the end of May.
When you subscribe to Dissociative Writers, you not only gain access to writers workshops, social hangouts, anthology participation, discounts, and more, you also know you are supporting dissociative writers like yourself. With our new subscription platform, we hope to hire administrative help to sustain DW writers workshops longterm. Let’s make our voices heard!
Beginners Memoir Class
We are taking registrations now for the six-week beginners memoir class beginning September 12th, 2022. This course is designed specifically for people with dissociative disorders and includes a syllabus, weekly readings, and writing assignments. Please check with your therapist before registering as memoir writing can destabilize some people. The cost is $205, or $102 for DW subscribers. Click here to register.
Crazy Progress
Thanks to all who purchased, reviewed, rated, and/or upvoted Crazy on Amazon and Reedsy. We’re making progress! In the past three weeks, four more people upvoted on Reedsy bringing the grand total to 27, and Amazon ratings moved from 36 to 38. They say once a book reaches 50 ratings on Amazon, it takes off on its own. My goal is 50! Click here to purchase, rate, or review on Amazon and click here to upvote on Reedsy. Thanks for helping me get there!
Social Hangout Time Change
Our very first “social hangout” is scheduled for July 20th, from 2 to 3 pm Eastern (not 3 pm to 4 pm as previously advertised), and will continue the third Wednesday of every month. This is going to be a blast, facilitated by JJ! If you enjoy getting to know each other better, this is the place for you. Every subscriber to Dissociative Writers will be welcome to attend as often as you like!
DID Discussion Invitation
From Shirley Healy: DID Discussion is an email support group (not affiliated with Dissociative Writers). We are a small group and have a wide variety of diagnoses, from DID, to PTSD, and DDNOS. We are all trauma survivors and some of us are RA survivors. We have members from all around the world. We discuss anything and everything like day-to-day life, living with DID, medical, therapy, and so on. We send in poems, quotes, articles of interest, even recipes sometimes. We have members with additional disabilities, like blindness and autism, and some members with complex medical needs. The group has been around since 2001. To learn more, contact Shirley by clicking here.
Demystifying DID
A Personal Experience, A Practitioner’s Knowledge
Join Jane Tambree’ at her webinar scheduled for Wednesday, June 8, 2022, from 3:30-5:30 MDT. As an LCSW-C and a person with DID, Jane is uniquely qualified to speak to both clinicians and fellow survivors. Learn more about this important seminar — and invite your therapist and other medical providers — by clicking here.
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Tears are the silent language of grief.
~ Voltaire
Lyn