Hurting & Forgiving
Forgiveness is a part of being human. Good people hurt each other, occasionally intentionally but mostly unintentionally. I mess up, you mess up, we step on each others’ toes. It happens. Hurting each other is a part of being human, so forgiving those hurts is a part of being human too. Sounds simple but, in practice, not so much.
I remember telling my therapist emphatically, “I’m never, ever, ever going to hurt anyone. Ever. I promise!”
“Lyn, you can’t promise that,” she said. “We all hurt each other now and then, even when we don’t mean to. It’s part of being human.” The corollary was that forgiving those hurts is human too. It keeps us in relationship, it keeps family units together, and it keeps friendships chugging along. Hurting and forgiving. Two sides of the same coin. I didn’t talk about forgiveness with my therapist. I wasn’t ready.
Authentic Relationships
My big rehearsal for the real-live production of authentic relationships came when I joined a community of good, wise people who met four times a year at a little hermitage in the mountains shortly after my alters had integrated. These folks were welcoming and loving. It felt like a safe place to test the waters of friendship.
One woman, about ten years my senior, became a good friend. We lived near each other. We got together on a regular basis. We made big plans together. Then, she backed out of our plans suddenly and unexpectedly. I was devastated. “Here we go again,” I thought. “She’s wounded, she can’t be trusted, she’s not a good friend.” She apologized, but I didn’t trust her.
Still, we went to our community gatherings together, and I watched her genuinely open her heart to me and everyone in the group. I watched everyone else love and trust her. Slowly, gradually, over time, I learned that my experience with her was just a part of who she was, but she was so much more as well. I began to let her goodness enter into me. I began to trust her, within the boundaries of who she was. I began to love her, as she seemed to love me. I forgave her. Eventually, she became one of my dearest, deepest friends.
Forgiving Perpetrators
Forgiving my perpetrators is a different ball of wax entirely. My skin crawls every time I hear the word, probably in response to the perpetual drumbeat in every corner of society for victims to forgive their perpetrators. I have better things to do than put energy into forgiving the people who hurt me so badly that my brain fragmented into tiny pieces, and my heart shattered beyond repair, and my sense of self disappeared like a wisp in the wind. Why would I want to forgive someone who never admitted, apologized, or made any attempt to right the wrongs that were done?
Forgiving Friends
In my vehement rejection of forgiveness, I forgot about my friends who were scattered here and there, who had unintentionally hurt me, who had goodness in their hearts but were clumsy in their delivery, about my own clumsiness and missteps, about my own need for forgiveness. I forgot about these things, but then remembered what my therapist said, that we are all human, that this is what relationships are all about, that this is how we grow in trust. We test the waters and trust a little, we get hurt and hurt others, we apologize and we forgive, and we test the waters again and trust a little more again. This is how we learn who deserves our trust and who doesn’t. Test, trust, hurt, apologize, forgive, test, trust, hurt, apologize, forgive, and so it goes. This is how we grow in our ability to take part in authentic relationships and how we take care of ourselves at the same time.
The Difference
Learning how to trust and forgive my friends was an important part of my healing and growth. It made me healthy and whole. Trusting and forgiving my perpetrators, on the other hand, was never my goal. I’m presenting a workshop at An Infinite Mind Healing Together Conference on Sunday, February 6th called “Is Forgiveness the Goal?” and preparing for it has been challenging and illuminating. My research and reflection has uncovered good news: the benefits of forgiveness touted by the experts are the very same benefits we receive when we enter into the deep work of trauma healing. Forgiving our perpetrators may or may not be a part of our healing, and that’s just fine. The goal is not to forgive, the goal is to heal. But, hey, put that on hold, tune into the online conference, and listen for yourself!
Self-Care
Is there someone in your current life who hurt you but otherwise seems like a nice person? Does this person know they hurt you? Has this person expressed sorrow or regret about hurting you? Have you talked about the hurt with this person? Consider your own role in the hurt. Is the hurt more about a trigger than about the person? Do you tend to have thin skin around the issue of the hurt? How important is this person in your life?
You don’t have to answer all of these questions at once. You can reflect on them, talk with your therapist, take your time. As you reflect, perhaps it will become clear whether you want to trust this person again, whether you want to forgive them. Whatever you decide is right for you in this moment. Take care of yourself first, then reach for growth.
Crazy
Neither you nor I are crazy, but we use a brilliant coping strategy that helped us survive the crazy things that were done to us. If you haven’t bought your copy of Crazy: Reclaiming Life from the Shadow of Traumatic Memory, why not do so now? It’s my story of disocovery of and recovery from dissociative identity disorder. If you like the book, consider writing a review by clicking here.
Creative Healing
I am so excited! Dissociative Writers will be rolling out the publication of Creative Healing: An Anthology of Poems, Prose, and Art, free on this website and on www.dissociativewriters.com. It is an amazing collection of writing from people just like you and me. Thank you to everyone who contributed and to the gifted folks who edited and designed the book. Bravo for Dissociative Writers!
What Do You Think?
Let us know what you think about hurting and forgiving. You are a fount of wisdom. Share your thoughts in the comments below.
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Genuine forgiveness is not a pardon granted unilaterally by the hurt party.
It’s a shared venture, an exchange between two people bound together by an interpersonal violation.
~ Janis Abrahms Spring, How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to